Attorney General Rules Entire United Kingdom Technically Illegal
Nation advised to begin dismantling itself “in a calm and orderly fashion”
LONDON - In a surprise announcement that has thrown the nation into constitutional chaos, the Attorney General, Richard Hermer, has ruled that the entire United Kingdom, including England, Scotland, Wales, and the concept of “Britain” itself, is not legal under international law, and must be “dismantled in a calm and orderly fashion by teatime Thursday.”
Citing a long-forgotten clause in the Magna Carta, a post-it note left in the Chagos Islands, and a recent ruling by a Strasbourg based life coach, the Attorney General declared all British activity since 1707 “null and void.”
“This includes, unfortunately, football, all professional sport, the BBC, Morris dancing, and most forms of pottery,” the statement read.
“It also appears milk in tea is now a Category II contravention of the Geneva Conventions.”
To remedy the oversight, Sir Keir Starmer has offered to lease UK sovereignty to Mauritius for 50 years, on the condition they “don’t ask too many questions” and “don’t redecorate Parliament without approval.” No. 10 provided the following comment to reporters this morning - “Frankly, it’s a relief as we now have a clear path forwards. The grown-ups are back in charge.”
After the lease expires, full control of British land, laws, and ceremonial sheep will pass to a French seal colony off the coast of La Rochelle, who reportedly specialise in international arbitration and slapping fish.
In response, Conservative MPs have tabled a motion to have the Attorney General legally reclassified as a panini, while Scotland has announced it will secede and rejoin itself at a later date.