Grooming Gang Inquiry Finds Nothing To See Here, Please Move Along

Safeguarding Minister Jess Phillips praises the inquiry as a ‘landmark of community relations management’ which successfully avoids discovering anything inconvenient

After months of research, testimony, and what one civil servant described as “a heroic amount of selective reading,” the long-awaited government inquiry into grooming gangs has concluded there is, in fact, absolutely nothing to see here.

Representatives from local councils, social services, and police forces have welcomed the findings, describing the report as “a vindication of years of careful information management.”

The 800-page report, released yesterday found that while some people had “raised concerns,” these would be best addressed by mandatory workplace diversity seminars and a collective effort to stop mentioning the scandal.

Downing Street described the findings as “deeply reassuring,” claiming the report “proves Britain leads the world in resolving complex problems through the power of not looking too closely.” Critics pointed to significant redactions in the final document, but officials insisted these were “standard community safeguarding measures” designed to protect the public from unnecessary alarm or information.

Survivors’ groups expressed disappointment at not being consulted, though officials stressed this was “a trauma-informed approach” designed to spare victims the distress of being heard.