Heavily Fortified Festival Celebrates Open Borders
Spokesperson insists perimeter security and movement restrictions are decorative only
GLASTONBURY - Over 200,000 festivalgoers this weekend celebrated the removal of barriers and the abolition of all borders, while being thoroughly wristbanded, scanned, and kettled into one of the most tightly secured outdoor zones in Europe.
“It’s not about walls,” said one attendee from behind a 11-foot perimeter fence guarded by dogs. “It’s about community.”
The annual Glastonbury Festival, widely seen as a spiritual pilgrimage for Britain’s cultural overlords, proudly platformed speakers and artists calling for the abolition of national borders and the decolonisation of space, time, and queuing systems.
Festival Entry Limitations
Critics have pointed out that while the festival campaigns for open international borders, it has sold out at £410 per person. One refugee themed installation is reportedly only open to VIP ticket holders.
When asked about the festival security, a spokesperson replied:
“We reject the old world of barriers and exclusion. But also, we had to limit ticket sales to preserve the inclusive atmosphere. Plus the portaloos can’t handle that many people.”
Internal Movement Restrictions
While Glastonbury continues to denounce barriers, it does operate a robust internal border system. Movement between camping zones is strictly controlled. Anyone trying to enter the backstage area without sufficient lanyard clearance is considered an unlawful entrant, subject to immediate transfer to a specially built onsite prison, before being thrown out and handed over to the police.