HS2 Delayed Until Heat Death of Universe, Transport Minister Confirms
Construction timetable now includes collapse of time and all physical matter.
In the latest update to the UK’s most expensive metaphor for national confusion, the Department for Transport has confirmed that the HS2 rail line is now scheduled for completion at the heat death of the universe, with services expected to begin running once time, light, and meaning have all ceased to exist.
“We’ve taken a hard look at the schedule and concluded that an event as punctual as the end of all thermodynamic activity is a sensible target,” said Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander.
Originally set to connect London to the North of England, HS2 has been plagued by delays due to legal standoffs, political U-turns, and Britain’s world-leading system for enriching bureaucrats while ensuring nothing gets built.
Bureaucracy as Infrastructure
Key obstacles to progress have included:
A planning regime where construction on any field, verge, or vaguely damp bit of land requires six separate environmental assessments, three public consultations, and a legally binding promise not to disturb local spirits.
The discovery that a planned station entrance was technically six inches inside a bat’s hibernation zone.
A local resident’s objection that a proposed ventilation shaft would “upset the character of the breeze” in their garden gin terrace.
The Legacy of Isambard Kingdom Brunel
The irony of the situation has not gone unnoticed by historians, with many pointing out that the country that invented the railway is now unable to build one through rural Warwickshire.
Dr. Penelope Fletcher, a transport historian at the University of York, remarked:
“In the 1800s, we built entire railway lines in weeks. Now we can’t get one through a moderately hilly bit of the West-Midlands without a 12 year public consultation on what shade of green a viaduct should be painted and a legal standoff over a newt.”
Lawyers: Britain’s True Growth Industry
While trains have yet to appear, HS2 has successfully created employment for what economists describe as “every single planning solicitor in Britain, plus their extended families.”
Over 22,000 pages of legal documentation have been produced, mostly to clarify whether a particular badger sett constitutes an obstacle or a stakeholder. One lawyer, speaking anonymously from his third ski lodge, said:
“It’s been incredibly lucrative. I’ve personally objected to HS2 76 times on behalf of the same client. It's like printing money, but with a 47-page appendix on what constitutes a ‘glimpse’ of a train.”
Industry insiders estimate that for every mile of HS2 track, there are 4.5 miles of paperwork, most of which has now been designated as a Site of Special Bureaucratic Interest.
Looking Ahead
Despite the cosmological timetable, the Department for Transport insists HS2 remains a “vital project for Britain’s future connectivity,” particularly as it now plans to link London with a regional car park just outside Milton Keynes.