Just Stop Oil to Protest Climate Change by Setting Fire to Public Sympathy
Activists say blocking ambulances, commuters, and reason itself is “raising public awareness”
LONDON - In a bold new escalation of tactics, protest group Just Stop Oil has announced a new strategy: directly incinerating what little public sympathy remains for their cause.
The group, whose previous climate saving initiatives include gluing themselves to the M25 at rush hour, preventing ambulances from reaching dying patients and dodging rail fares unveiled their new “Burn the Goodwill” campaign while chained to a functioning MRI machine and two St John Ambulance volunteers.
“We’re not here to be liked,” shouted one protester through a megaphone pointed at a toddler. “We’re here to make you aware. Of climate. And us…. But mostly us.”
The group’s most high profile stunts have (actually) included:
Blocking the M25 during rush hour, prompting thousands of commuters to produce emissions of rage.
Jumping turnstiles at tube stations while filming themselves, in what campaigners called a protest against “the capitalist train timetable.”
Preventing ambulances from reaching dying patients, which the group insists “symbolises the collapse of infrastructure,” though critics say it mostly symbolises being an unbelievable twat.
Throwing soup at society’s most loved paintings, because nothing says “save the planet” like defiling a precious Van Gogh sunflower with tomato soup.
Blocking cycling races, which protesters declared to be full of “elitist carbon creating scum.”
Sympathy Levels Drop to Prehistoric Lows
Polling shows that national support for Just Stop Oil now ranks below potholes, unflushed public toilets, and standstill traffic jams. One commuter told reporters, “I used to care about the climate. Until someone climbed onto my windscreen with a banner and screamed at me for existing.”
The New Plan
In a statement released while dangling from the roof of a maternity ward, a JSO spokesperson explained:
“We are literally torching sympathy, yes. But think of the awareness we’re generating. People are angry. And that’s what matters!”
The group plans to expand the campaign by disrupting chemotherapy appointments, blocking lifeboats and supergluing themselves to defibrillators.