Keir Starmer U-Turns on Election Victory
Labour leader announces plan to delay governing until he’s certain people meant it
LONDON - In a shock move described as “radically cautious”, Prime Minister Keir Starmer has announced a surprise U-turn on Labour’s 2024 election victory, stating he will “pause the implementation of power” to ensure Britain is truly ready.
“We heard the message from the electorate loud and clear,” said Starmer at a press conference this morning. “And while we’re grateful for the votes, we think it’s important to reflect, consult, and potentially return the mandate for further clarification.”
Backbench Rebellions Erupt
Despite only be in office for a year, the government has already experienced major internal rebellions, including one over whether the party should deliver any of their manifesto at all.
“We Will Govern When the Time Feels Right”
Sources say the Labour leader became uneasy shortly after winning, describing the election result as “alarmingly enthusiastic”, despite only around 1 in 5 eligible voters voting for Labour. Aides report that Starmer spent the weekend drafting a 63-page legal consultation titled “What Is Governance?”.
“The country has asked for change,” he said, “but did they really mean it?”
Next Steps
Keir Starmer has pledged to hold a candlelit vigil for accountability next Thursday, followed by a silent meditation on welfare policy and a light lunch.