NHS Declared Official State Religion
Worshippers advised to book 6 weeks in advance and expect delays
LONDON - In a historic break with centuries of tradition, the British government has formally replaced the Church of England with the Church of the NHS, declaring it the nation’s new state religion, built entirely around waiting, reverence, and automated phone menus.
The move comes after recent polling showed that 77% of Britons already describe the NHS as “a sacred entity beyond criticism or budget transparency.”
“It’s only right that we align our spiritual values with our true national faith,” said High Priest of Primary Care, Wes Streeting. “We already believed in it unconditionally so this is the logical next step.”
Rituals and Worship
Clergy robes will be replaced with standard-issue scrubs, while the traditional communion wafer has been substituted with a single 500mg paracetamol.
The new liturgical calendar includes key festivals such as Delayed Test Results Tuesday, Saint MRI of the Repeated Scan, and the solemn observance of the Clapping Thursday.
Mandatory weekly ceremonies, known as The Observance of the Waiting Room, will be held in clinics and converted walk-in centres. Attendees will be expected to:
Sit in reverent silence for 2–6 hours without updates
Fill in unreadable forms
Sing the Hymn of the Eternal Hold