Parliament Orders Mandatory Diversity Training for Entire British Public
British public found to have a worrying lack of alignment with Civil Service values
LONDON - In an unprecedented move, a cross-party parliamentary committee has ruled that the entire British public will be required to undergo mandatory diversity training, following years of expressing the “wrong opinions” about immigration, integration, and national identity.
The decision comes after a new study revealed that 65% of Britons believe multiculturalism is “not working”, and that the country has, through every major democratic exercise since 2005, repeatedly voted to reduce immigration, despite having been properly informed that this was not an acceptable view.
“The public clearly misunderstood the leaflets, the manifestos, and the televised debates,” said a senior Whitehall source. “This isn’t a failure of policy, it’s a failure of perception. And that’s the public’s fault.”
From next month, all British citizens over the age of six will be required to attend a compulsory 12-week re-education programme entitled Re-Understanding Britain: Why You're Wrong About Everything. The training will be delivered by a joint task force composed of civil servants, NGO consultants and a taxpayer funded Somalian improv theatre group.
Civil Service Source Speaks Out
One senior civil servant, speaking anonymously from behind a pile of diversity benchmarking reports, told The Crumpet:
“The British public has consistently demonstrated a worrying lack of alignment with Civil Service values. We’ve tried disregard, persuasion, and passive-aggressive BBC documentaries. This is the only way forward.”
The programme will include modules such as:
Advanced Pronoun Respect for Pensioners
Why Immigration Targets Are Racist Even if They're in the Manifesto
How to Appreciate Cultures Without Appropriating Tea
Citizens who fail to complete the course will have their NHS access suspended until they write an apology to the Home Office in a gender neutral font.