Parliament Unites Across Party Lines to Ban Reporting Things That Make Them Look Bad
New “Reputation Preservation Act” criminalises noticing things the government already did
LONDON - In a historic moment of bipartisan cooperation, Parliament has passed sweeping legislation officially outlawing the public’s awareness of any government activity that might cause embarrassment, public anger, or basic curiosity.
The bill, informally dubbed the “Nothing To See Here Act”, received full support from all major parties, with MPs citing “an urgent need to protect the public from dangerous knowledge.”
“This is not censorship, it’s public awareness management.” said Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper.
Public Not Allowed to Know About the Things They Suspect
One of the bill’s earliest applications was to impose a superinjunction on all media coverage regarding the government’s accidental leak of a confidential, unvetted list of Afghans who might have collaborated with the British military during the 2021 withdrawal. Tens of thousands of whom were then quietly flown into Britain under cover of night, provided housing and merged into the population under Operation Nothing Happened.
A leaked internal memo from the Cabinet Office titled “Contain the Optics” revealed that when the story nearly broke, the official media response was to “pivot immediately to a corgi, the NHS, or a heatwave.”
Superinjunctions Now Come Preloaded in Microsoft Word for Government Use
Under the new law, any story that “might cause damage to institutional trust or provoke discontent in emotionally vulnerable taxpayers” is automatically blocked by a superinjunction with an optional memory-hole clause. Freedom of the press has been updated to “Freedom to print what we've drafted for you.”
Public Outcry Silenced Via Algorithm and State Passive Aggression
A brief surge of online criticism regarding the Afghan relocation cover-up was quickly labeled “extremist adjacent” and buried beneath trending videos of lambs and King Charles clapping at something.
One commentator who questioned the legality of the operation was convicted of a non-crime hate incident, visited by a “Community Relations Liaison Officer” and referred to Prevent for thought correction.
Next Steps
As Parliament continues to criminalise awareness, citizens are urged to stay calm, remain uninformed, and enjoy the officially curated national experience. You’ll be told what you need to know, if and when it’s convenient.