Police Accuse Police of Non-Crime Hate Incident
Non-crime incident collapses in on itself, forms small black hole in records office
LONDON - In a stunning act of introspective policing, officers from the Metropolitan Police have officially recorded a Non-Crime Hate Incident (NCHI) against their own force after discovering that one of their historic tweets may have contained "undertones of insufficient inclusivity."
The tweet in question, posted in 2015, read: "Remember: hate has no place in our city. Report it, and we’ll act."According to the newly revised Hate Perception Matrix (Level 4b: Conceptual Hostility), the message failed to specify which groups should be protected, thereby excluding several recently identified marginalised identities, including people who identify as traffic cones.
After a concerned activist flagged the tweet during a 2 a.m. audit of past police content, an internal investigation was launched. Within hours, the force concluded that the message was "technically legal, completely inoffensive, and clearly well-intentioned - but may cause harm in a subjective emotional dimension."
“We Take Imaginary Harm Very Seriously”
“We take all non-crimes incredibly seriously,” said Superintendent Linda Spackle, Head of the Thought Harm Compliance Unit. “While no actual offence occurred and no individual complained directly, the potential for future feelings of discomfort was enough to warrant immediate action against ourselves.”
The NCHI was logged into the national database under category: “self-inflicted institutional hate incident - non-crime, conceptual, time-travelling.”
The officer who originally posted the tweet has been placed on mandatory re-education leave, where they will be trained in “inclusive silence techniques” and the updated emoji usage policy.
“All of Us Are Victims of Us”
Activists praised the move but said more must be done. “This is a good first step,” said Zara-Blue Petal, founder of Decolonise the Font. “But we won’t stop until all policing is done exclusively by interpretive dance and pre-approved feelings facilitators.”
Meanwhile, the police department has pledged to review all past social media posts for “unconscious bias in pixel alignment” and has set up a tip line where citizens can report any instance of emotional dissonance, whether real or imagined.
UPDATE:
The Met is now reportedly investigating whether their own investigation into their own tweet constitutes a second non-crime hate incident, for “potential retraumatisation of staff through the act of remembering.”