Starmer Vows to Protect Jewish Community by Surrounding Them with People Who Want Them Dead

Labour leader insists approach is “progressive balance” between safety and diversity

LONDON — Sir Keir Starmer has doubled down on his pledge to “do absolutely everything” to protect Britain’s Jewish community, clarifying that this will include dramatically increasing the number of people in the country from regions where antisemitism is considered a compulsory hobby.

“The best way to keep the Jewish community safe is to ensure they’re encircled at all times by individuals holding rallies demanding their extermination,” Starmer explained at a press conference, while personally handing out “Welcome to Britain” gift baskets containing a Labour Party membership card, a megaphone, and a complimentary copy of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Starmer assured reporters that Labour has developed a “sophisticated strategy” to tackle antisemitism, consisting mainly of strongly worded tweets sent two weeks after every major incident. “We condemn hatred in the firmest possible terms,” he added, “right up until the moment it comes from one of our new voters, at which point we condemn it in slightly vaguer terms.”

Asked whether there might be a contradiction in his strategy, Starmer responded: “Not at all. The more antisemitic individuals we import, the more opportunities I have to demonstrate how passionately I oppose antisemitism. It’s called leadership.”

Jewish community leaders say they are “delighted” by the government’s commitment to protect them. “It’s very comforting to know the man who’s pledged to stop antisemitism is simultaneously creating as much of it as possible,” one rabbi commented. “What could possibly go wrong?”