Supreme Leader of Iran Arrives in Dover on Dinghy
Asylum granted as UK government cites ECHR article 8 and “close ties” to Bradford-based cousin’s WhatsApp group
DOVER - In a stunning development following U.S. airstrikes on Iranian nuclear facilities, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei arrived on British shores early this morning via a small inflatable dinghy, reportedly muttering “death to America” in Farsi and surprisingly fluent Cockney rhyming slang.
Wearing a life vest over his black clerical robe and carrying a tattered copy of The Guardian, Khamenei was promptly processed by UK Border Force and assigned a Premier Inn room in Croydon, where he will be given access to full dental coverage, legal aid, and six hours of culturally sensitive badminton.
By mid-morning, he had reportedly queued for peri-peri chicken at a Nando’s in South London, rated his meal “acceptable,” and completed an online application for a £75,000 Cultural Resilience and Diversity Empowerment Grant, citing his experience as a “marginalised religious figure fleeing imperialist instability.”
The Home Office confirmed that, although Khamenei is the former Supreme Leader of a regime accused of terrorism, he cannot be deported due to Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights, which guarantees the right to a family life.
“Mr Khamenei’s fourth cousin twice removed, Hassan from Bradford, once sent him a ‘👍’ emoji during Ramadan,” explained an immigration official. “That legally constitutes enduring emotional bonds under current precedent.”
Legal Reactions
Government lawyers quickly dismissed concerns that sheltering a theocratic warlord might pose diplomatic or moral challenges.
“This is a compassionate nation,” said a Home Office spokesperson, “and our commitment to due process outweighs minor concerns such as international stability or the leader’s past record of public executions.”
The spokesperson also confirmed that the Ayatollah is now eligible for housing priority, a £42 weekly allowance, and a spot on the BBC’s “Thought for the Day.”
Khamenei's Statement
Upon arrival, Khamenei made a brief statement through a translator (who fled mid-sentence), declaring:
“The West is corrupt, decadent, and doomed… unless it can help me get my cousin’s old Vauxhall insured.”
He then asked when the next local council meeting was, and whether halal Greggs existed yet.
Political Response
Prime Minister Keir Starmer called for calm, noting:
“While we take border security seriously, we must also balance that with our legal obligations to welcome literally anyone with even a theoretical family link or WhatsApp history containing a thumbs-up and an animated sticker of a dancing sheep.”
Meanwhile, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage was last seen sprinting down Dover beach in a full tweed wetsuit, reportedly shouting: “I KNEW IT.”