UK Government Formally Replaced By Panel Of Lawyers, Who Were Already Running It Anyway
Elections declared a cruel and degrading punishment for voters, who must henceforth stay home and be grateful
LONDON - In a development that experts described as “merely formalising what’s been obvious for 25 years,” the UK Government has officially stepped aside to allow a permanent panel of lawyers to run the country directly.
“Frankly, this is what we’ve been working toward for years,” said outgoing Prime Minister Keir Starmer as he signed the official Obsolescence of Parliament Bill into law before quietly vacating No. 10. “Why bother with elections, manifestos, and all that shouting in the Commons when we can just let barristers tell us what we’re legally obliged to do anyway?”
The new governing panel, comprising twelve KCs, three solicitors, and an unusually confident paralegal, met for the first time in chambers yesterday, immediately issuing a 700-page judgment declaring Britain “unfit for self-rule” until further notice.
Ordinary Britons are said to be adjusting well to the new system. “It’s a relief, honestly,” said Croydon resident Shirley Marks. “I used to worry about taxes and public services. Now I just wait for a letter from a KC explaining which rights I’ve violated this week. Much simpler.”
Among the panel’s first acts was to require the British taxpayer to fully fund the Uzbek National Tiddlywinks Championship, declaring that “every citizen of the world has the inalienable right to flick a counter into a cup without discrimination.” The lawyers also voted themselves a generous “Essential Rights Maintenance Stipend,” which includes chauffeured Bentleys, champagne breakfasts, and a small island in the Adriatic per barrister.
The panel has also unveiled a sweeping Inclusion programme, requiring every Act of Parliament to be re-drafted in at least nine community dialects, accompanied by a 40-page impact statement explaining how the legislation affirms the lived experience of left-handed vegans. Judges will now rotate through ceremonial wigs of varying colours to ensure “visual inclusivity,” while failure to attend compulsory unconscious-bias training will itself be classified as a human rights violation.
Parliament itself will remain open as a heritage site, where tourists can pay £8.50 to watch former MPs carry tea into legal hearings. The House of Lords has been formally downgraded to “Britain’s most expensive debating society with costumes.”
When asked if democracy might ever be restored, panel spokesperson Dame Harriet Wetherby KC replied: “We’ll review that after the next 14 appeals and once our costs have been fully reimbursed. In short: no.”