The Crumpet

Man Tragically Dies After Unexpected Encounter With Knife

Community leaders call for understanding between people and cutlery

Oct 29

4

2

1

Grooming Gang Inquiry Finds Nothing To See Here, Please Move Along

Safeguarding Minister Jess Phillips praises the inquiry as a ‘landmark of community relations management’ which successfully avoids discovering anything…

Oct 23

3

Starmer Vows to Protect Jewish Community by Surrounding Them with People Who Want Them Dead

Labour leader insists approach is “progressive balance” between safety and diversity

Oct 4

4

2

September 2025

UK Government Formally Replaced By Panel Of Lawyers, Who Were Already Running It Anyway

Elections declared a cruel and degrading punishment for voters, who must henceforth stay home and be grateful

Sep 19

2

1

Oxford Debating Union Updates Rulebook: Assassination Now Valid Form Of Rebuttal

Prestigious society assures public it still values “vigorous exchange of ideas,” just not necessarily from both sides

Sep 15

2

Man Arrested at Heathrow After Security Dogs Detect Unlicensed Opinion

Freedom of Speech Still Permitted, Provided It Matches the Official Definition of Truth

Sep 3

2

August 2025

Homeless Veteran Finally Gets Council House After Tossing Passport In The Channel And Claiming To Be Eritrean Teenager

Local man says he regrets serving in Afghanistan instead of buying a dinghy ticket, as council immediately provides housing, three hot meals a day, and…

Aug 29

3

Parliament Unites Across Party Lines to Ban Reporting Things That Make Them Look Bad

New “Reputation Preservation Act” criminalises noticing things the government already did

Aug 4

3

July 2025

HS2 Delayed Until Heat Death of Universe, Transport Minister Confirms

Construction timetable now includes collapse of time and all physical matter.

Jul 24

2

Parliament Orders Mandatory Diversity Training for Entire British Public

British public found to have a worrying lack of alignment with Civil Service values

Jul 16

3

Phone Snatchers Complain About Gentrification Driving Up Moped Costs

Young criminals say soaring prices threaten the future of independent theft

Jul 14

2

Just Stop Oil to Protest Climate Change by Setting Fire to Public Sympathy

Activists say blocking ambulances, commuters, and reason itself is “raising public awareness”

Jul 9

2