Archive - The Crumpet

UK Government Formally Replaced By Panel Of Lawyers, Who Were Already Running It Anyway

Elections declared a cruel and degrading punishment for voters, who must henceforth stay home and be grateful

Sep 19

Oxford Debating Union Updates Rulebook: Assassination Now Valid Form Of Rebuttal

Prestigious society assures public it still values “vigorous exchange of ideas,” just not necessarily from both sides

Sep 15

Man Arrested at Heathrow After Security Dogs Detect Unlicensed Opinion

Freedom of Speech Still Permitted, Provided It Matches the Official Definition of Truth

Sep 3

August 2025

Homeless Veteran Finally Gets Council House After Tossing Passport In The Channel And Claiming To Be Eritrean Teenager

Local man says he regrets serving in Afghanistan instead of buying a dinghy ticket, as council immediately provides housing, three hot meals a day, and…

Aug 29

Parliament Unites Across Party Lines to Ban Reporting Things That Make Them Look Bad

New “Reputation Preservation Act” criminalises noticing things the government already did

Aug 4

July 2025

HS2 Delayed Until Heat Death of Universe, Transport Minister Confirms

Construction timetable now includes collapse of time and all physical matter.

Jul 24

Parliament Orders Mandatory Diversity Training for Entire British Public

British public found to have a worrying lack of alignment with Civil Service values

Jul 16

Phone Snatchers Complain About Gentrification Driving Up Moped Costs

Young criminals say soaring prices threaten the future of independent theft

Jul 14

Just Stop Oil to Protest Climate Change by Setting Fire to Public Sympathy

Activists say blocking ambulances, commuters, and reason itself is “raising public awareness”

Jul 9

Keir Starmer U-Turns on Election Victory

Labour leader announces plan to delay governing until he’s certain people meant it

Jul 6

Heavily Fortified Festival Celebrates Open Borders

Spokesperson insists perimeter security and movement restrictions are decorative only

Jul 2

June 2025

Bob Vylan Appointed Government Advisor on Community Cohesion

Cabinet says few are better placed to unite Britain

Jun 30

#nojs-banner { position: fixed; bottom: 0; left: 0; padding: 16px 16px 16px 32px; width: 100%; box-sizing: border-box; background: red; color: white; font-family: -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 13px; } #nojs-banner a { color: inherit; text-decoration: underline; } This site requires JavaScript to run correctly. Please turn on JavaScript or unblock scripts